Things I look forward to:
1. Having him around
2. Coming home to him in the evening
3. Sharing a bed (cuddles)
4. Possibly getting a new, nicer bed
5. Getting to know each other in a new way
6. Less expensive living
7. Someone to cook for/share food
8. Someone to cook for me and help me with chores when I'm busy/stressed out
9. Not having to say goodbye so much
10. Not having to drive to see each other
11. Someone to notice if I don't come home (like if something bad happens)
Things I am scared of:
1. Changing the dynamic of our relationship: finding time to be away from each other instead of time to be together
2. Fighting over chores
3. Seeing the not-sexy stuff on a daily basis
4. Taking each other for granted
5. Sorting out money issues
6. Less freedom
7. Less alone time
8. Getting bored of each other
9. Adapting my schedule to fit his
10. Negotiating small life details
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
As things progress
Things have been getting more serious lately with CG. I thought I would be more freaked out, but actually I'm ok.
As I've mentioned, we took our first trip together earlier this month. It was six days of almost nonstop togetherness, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd feared. We hardly fought at all, even when stressful things happened like not sleeping on the train and getting lost trying to visit my friend in the suburbs. About halfway through the trip I had a cranky episode from all the activity, but I got over it. I know I could have had some alone time if I'd requested it, but we had packed our schedule with things to do together so it didn't really make sense. The thing the surprised me the most was that despite our awesomely fun days, I'd find myself looking forward to the hour or two of quiet time we'd have together in the hotel room before bed. It was nice having him around but doing separate things. Usually one of us would be on the computer and the other would be watching tv, or in my case, knitting. Then we'd go to bed at the same time and I got kind of used to having him there at night to cuddle with. It was weird sleeping alone after we got back.
The other big thing that I've mentioned was that I bought my first car. (I should have known I was doomed dating a car guy...it was just a matter of time.) However, it's not quite that simple. I can't afford a car + extras by myself, so CG added me to his insurance and is paying it. That way I only have the loan and gas, which is doable. It only costs him $50/month to add me, while getting my own policy (not ever having been insured before) would be way more. He has to be on the title for the insurance, so technically it is both our car, even though in the event of a breakup it will be mine (we wrote it out in a contract). Also he is planning on storing it at his house when I don't need it so I'm not tempted to get lazy and use it all the time for every little trip. I still want to be a walk/bus person most of the time because it's good exercise and better for the environment. The car is mainly for things I can't do by bus very well, such as going snowboarding or visiting my parents in the suburbs.
It seems inevitable that we will move in together at some point, it's just a matter of when. Our leases are up in the spring. Originally I wanted to wait until my longer school break in September, but after recent events it seems that I might be okay doing it sooner. I still have my same old fears, though.
As I've mentioned, we took our first trip together earlier this month. It was six days of almost nonstop togetherness, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd feared. We hardly fought at all, even when stressful things happened like not sleeping on the train and getting lost trying to visit my friend in the suburbs. About halfway through the trip I had a cranky episode from all the activity, but I got over it. I know I could have had some alone time if I'd requested it, but we had packed our schedule with things to do together so it didn't really make sense. The thing the surprised me the most was that despite our awesomely fun days, I'd find myself looking forward to the hour or two of quiet time we'd have together in the hotel room before bed. It was nice having him around but doing separate things. Usually one of us would be on the computer and the other would be watching tv, or in my case, knitting. Then we'd go to bed at the same time and I got kind of used to having him there at night to cuddle with. It was weird sleeping alone after we got back.
The other big thing that I've mentioned was that I bought my first car. (I should have known I was doomed dating a car guy...it was just a matter of time.) However, it's not quite that simple. I can't afford a car + extras by myself, so CG added me to his insurance and is paying it. That way I only have the loan and gas, which is doable. It only costs him $50/month to add me, while getting my own policy (not ever having been insured before) would be way more. He has to be on the title for the insurance, so technically it is both our car, even though in the event of a breakup it will be mine (we wrote it out in a contract). Also he is planning on storing it at his house when I don't need it so I'm not tempted to get lazy and use it all the time for every little trip. I still want to be a walk/bus person most of the time because it's good exercise and better for the environment. The car is mainly for things I can't do by bus very well, such as going snowboarding or visiting my parents in the suburbs.
It seems inevitable that we will move in together at some point, it's just a matter of when. Our leases are up in the spring. Originally I wanted to wait until my longer school break in September, but after recent events it seems that I might be okay doing it sooner. I still have my same old fears, though.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
To my readers
Merry Christmas!
Hope your day is filled with lots of love and everything you wished for!
Friday, December 24, 2010
What are you doing for Christmas?
CG is joining me tonight at my mom's cousin's for Christmas Eve. My mom's side has always done their big gathering the day before Christmas so that everyone can do what they want on Christmas.
On Christmas morning I will go over to my mom's for breakfast and presents with my 4 parents and two brothers. It always makes me happy that even though my parents have been divorced for over 15 years, they still care about each other and about us and are happy to spend holidays together. I am also thankful that my stepdads are open minded enough to be okay hanging out with their spouses' exes.
This will be the second time ever that I have not slept at my mom's on Christmas Eve. The first time was two years ago when we had a huge snowstorm that prevented anyone from driving. Christmas Eve and breakfast were consolidated into Christmas dinner instead that year. I am a little sad about not staying at my mom's, but I feel that I'm getting a little bit old to sleep in my childhood bed. It is pretty uncomfortable. My brother is home from Boston so he gets the nice guest bed. And now that I have a car, I have my own transportation in the morning. I think I will spend the night with CG instead because I don't want to wake up alone.
In the evening I will join CG at his parents' house for Christmas dinner.
As much as I kind of want to skip it, it means a lot to me to be spending the holiday with my loved ones, including my boyfriend. For the past 3 years I tried to get my ex to come to my family gatherings since his family was in Utah, but he was never brave enough. I'm glad that CG is, and that he loves me and wants to be a part of all aspects of my life.
On Christmas morning I will go over to my mom's for breakfast and presents with my 4 parents and two brothers. It always makes me happy that even though my parents have been divorced for over 15 years, they still care about each other and about us and are happy to spend holidays together. I am also thankful that my stepdads are open minded enough to be okay hanging out with their spouses' exes.
This will be the second time ever that I have not slept at my mom's on Christmas Eve. The first time was two years ago when we had a huge snowstorm that prevented anyone from driving. Christmas Eve and breakfast were consolidated into Christmas dinner instead that year. I am a little sad about not staying at my mom's, but I feel that I'm getting a little bit old to sleep in my childhood bed. It is pretty uncomfortable. My brother is home from Boston so he gets the nice guest bed. And now that I have a car, I have my own transportation in the morning. I think I will spend the night with CG instead because I don't want to wake up alone.
In the evening I will join CG at his parents' house for Christmas dinner.
As much as I kind of want to skip it, it means a lot to me to be spending the holiday with my loved ones, including my boyfriend. For the past 3 years I tried to get my ex to come to my family gatherings since his family was in Utah, but he was never brave enough. I'm glad that CG is, and that he loves me and wants to be a part of all aspects of my life.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Can I skip Christmas?
I made snowflakes at work today. It is that kind of day.
I seriously considered staying home, but I just got back from vacation! I had a blast in San Francisco, but ever since we returned there has been something going on every day. Knitting group, buying a car, holiday parties, errands, finishing Christmas shopping, x-country skiing, therapist, tea date with the friend who hurt me, then back to work. When I write it all out like that it seems like a lot! Tomorrow and Saturday will be filled with family stuff. Sunday I have to a birthday party to attend.
Most everything has been fun, and I actually feel like I have most everything under control as far as being ready for Christmas. I have to finish knitting my mom's scarf and I have 3 presents left to wrap However, the introvert in me is just exhausted from all the activity. I love my family, but lately they have been stressful to deal with (especially my mom). I kind of just want it all to be over so I can go back to something that resembles normal life. I need to spend a day watching movies and recharging, and that's not going to happen until at least Monday.
I seriously considered staying home, but I just got back from vacation! I had a blast in San Francisco, but ever since we returned there has been something going on every day. Knitting group, buying a car, holiday parties, errands, finishing Christmas shopping, x-country skiing, therapist, tea date with the friend who hurt me, then back to work. When I write it all out like that it seems like a lot! Tomorrow and Saturday will be filled with family stuff. Sunday I have to a birthday party to attend.
Most everything has been fun, and I actually feel like I have most everything under control as far as being ready for Christmas. I have to finish knitting my mom's scarf and I have 3 presents left to wrap However, the introvert in me is just exhausted from all the activity. I love my family, but lately they have been stressful to deal with (especially my mom). I kind of just want it all to be over so I can go back to something that resembles normal life. I need to spend a day watching movies and recharging, and that's not going to happen until at least Monday.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
A December to Remember
December has been so eventful! I finished my first quarter of grad school with a 3.6 (a huge relief), went to San Francisco for my first real vacation with a boyfriend, and bought my first car the day after we got back!
Here are some pictures from our trip:
We rode the train there and flew back. It took 23 hours and it was fun up until bedtime. It was pretty impossible to sleep because it was extremely turbulent and noisy. There were lots of pretty views though, and we had fun playing games and having a meaningful conversation about moving in together.
An adorable kitty snoozing at Fisherman's Wharf!
Most of our trip was foggy like this, but it made for some pretty pictures. It also was a bit warmer than Seattle, which I appreciated. I was able to downgrade from my snow jacket to my spring/fall windbreaker during the days.
This was taken at the Exploratorium.
The cable car Christmas light tour.
Gingerbread house at the Fairmont Hotel...
...which apparently tastes very good!
Nothing says Christmas in California like lights on palm trees!
One of my favorite things about San Francisco is the cable cars.
And of course we couldn't forget the Golden Gate Bridge! The sun finally came out on our last day.
Here are some pictures from our trip:
Postcard perfect picture coming back from Sausalito on the ferry.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Getting burned
My heart is hurting right now. On Saturday night, at a derby bout, one of my close friends, F, said something that I'm having a hard time getting over. She and her fiancee were sitting higher up in the arena, but I wanted her to sit lower where there was room for our other friends as well (there were 7 of us and they had only saved 2 seats). After lots of arm-waving and head-shaking, I went over to talk to her. She told me that she liked her seat better and said harshly, "It isn't the end of the world if we don't sit together."
Maybe that doesn't seem to be such a big deal, but let me explain the background. A few weeks ago, F was having major problems coping with all the events in her life. I spent an evening being there for her and even drove her home in her own car because she was unable to drive herself. She was so manic that she committed herself to the psych unit the next day. I took time out of my Friday evening to visit her in the hospital. Then when she said she needed fewer visitors so she could get better, I gave her space. However, I still spent a lot of emotional energy worrying about her.
She came home over a week ago and Saturday was the first time I'd seen her since she'd been released. I really wanted to sit by her because I missed her and we hadn't had a chance to just hang since all the chaotic stuff happened. In addition, my week had been crazy intense, and I wanted to be near my friends. I needed her support that night. Also, F is actually on the derby team but wasn't bouting due to the hospitalization, so the only reason I was even at the derby thing was to support her and our other friend on the team. Derby's ok and all, but if I didn't know people I probably wouldn't be at the bouts. I'm not that into sporting events.
I felt really rejected by her comment. She has apologized, but I'm not sure she totally gets it. First she said she was sorry for snapping. But it's what she said, not how she said it. I have been nothing but supportive and this is how she treats me. Then she made all these excuses, like she was moving, wedding planning, her fiance just got back from 3 months in Japan, blah blah blah. I totally understand that she is going through a rough time. I really do. And I have excused a lot of her behavior. HOWEVER, I don't think that gives her license to treat her friends like crap, especially ones that went out of their way to be supportive. It took a lot of my emotional energy to take care of her.
I will forgive her, and we will still be friends probably. But I think I am going to have a hard time getting close to her in the future. The next time she goes through a tough period, I might be a little distant. I don't want to hold a grudge, but I'm also afraid of putting myself out there for her and getting burned.
Maybe that doesn't seem to be such a big deal, but let me explain the background. A few weeks ago, F was having major problems coping with all the events in her life. I spent an evening being there for her and even drove her home in her own car because she was unable to drive herself. She was so manic that she committed herself to the psych unit the next day. I took time out of my Friday evening to visit her in the hospital. Then when she said she needed fewer visitors so she could get better, I gave her space. However, I still spent a lot of emotional energy worrying about her.
She came home over a week ago and Saturday was the first time I'd seen her since she'd been released. I really wanted to sit by her because I missed her and we hadn't had a chance to just hang since all the chaotic stuff happened. In addition, my week had been crazy intense, and I wanted to be near my friends. I needed her support that night. Also, F is actually on the derby team but wasn't bouting due to the hospitalization, so the only reason I was even at the derby thing was to support her and our other friend on the team. Derby's ok and all, but if I didn't know people I probably wouldn't be at the bouts. I'm not that into sporting events.
I felt really rejected by her comment. She has apologized, but I'm not sure she totally gets it. First she said she was sorry for snapping. But it's what she said, not how she said it. I have been nothing but supportive and this is how she treats me. Then she made all these excuses, like she was moving, wedding planning, her fiance just got back from 3 months in Japan, blah blah blah. I totally understand that she is going through a rough time. I really do. And I have excused a lot of her behavior. HOWEVER, I don't think that gives her license to treat her friends like crap, especially ones that went out of their way to be supportive. It took a lot of my emotional energy to take care of her.
I will forgive her, and we will still be friends probably. But I think I am going to have a hard time getting close to her in the future. The next time she goes through a tough period, I might be a little distant. I don't want to hold a grudge, but I'm also afraid of putting myself out there for her and getting burned.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
It gets better
I've been quiet lately because the universe has been testing me. It's finals at school, work is crazy, my friends were having crises, it snowed (yeah, yeah, Seattleites are wimps, but seriously the city shuts down) and there was a family holiday in there too.
I have to say, I'm not very religious (having a gay father makes one a little anti-church), but sometimes I feel like something is watching out for me. It's almost like it's saying, "I'm going to test the shit out of you, but you'll be ok. There will never be more than you can handle." Just when it feels like I'm 2 seconds from hiding in the bathroom huddled in a ball crying for the rest of the day, things start looking up.
So instead of reliving all the crap, I'm going to write about the good things.
Yesterday was a nightmare, but then I went to class and it got so much better. I really love school. I got a paper back, and my grade was 14.5 out of 15. The instructor had given me nice, thoughtful comments. I appreciate how he really reads our work and provides good feedback instead of slapping a grade on it and calling it done.
The second awesome thing was that I had a huge guidance unit project (like a lesson plan for counselors) due last night. Before turning it in, we got to take 10 minutes to share what we did with a small group. When we rejoined the class, the teacher asked if anyone had seen anything noteworthy in their group. Well, one woman in my group raised her hand and shared about my project! She praised some of my ideas in front of the whole class! That gave me super warm fuzzies and made my day!
I just have 2 more days of class, and then I'm on winter break. I am so excited for my trip to San Francisco and going snowboarding!
I have to say, I'm not very religious (having a gay father makes one a little anti-church), but sometimes I feel like something is watching out for me. It's almost like it's saying, "I'm going to test the shit out of you, but you'll be ok. There will never be more than you can handle." Just when it feels like I'm 2 seconds from hiding in the bathroom huddled in a ball crying for the rest of the day, things start looking up.
So instead of reliving all the crap, I'm going to write about the good things.
Yesterday was a nightmare, but then I went to class and it got so much better. I really love school. I got a paper back, and my grade was 14.5 out of 15. The instructor had given me nice, thoughtful comments. I appreciate how he really reads our work and provides good feedback instead of slapping a grade on it and calling it done.
The second awesome thing was that I had a huge guidance unit project (like a lesson plan for counselors) due last night. Before turning it in, we got to take 10 minutes to share what we did with a small group. When we rejoined the class, the teacher asked if anyone had seen anything noteworthy in their group. Well, one woman in my group raised her hand and shared about my project! She praised some of my ideas in front of the whole class! That gave me super warm fuzzies and made my day!
I just have 2 more days of class, and then I'm on winter break. I am so excited for my trip to San Francisco and going snowboarding!
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