Yesterday was our "monthversary." When we were first together 10 years ago, I was all over that shit. Now, not so much. Actually, I forgot. Whoops! I'm a jerk. Ok, not really, because it's kind of a jokey thing now, but it's funny that he had to remind me. We didn't even spend it together since I had knitting last night. I also find it humorous that I deliberately decided to make things official on August 1 so it would be easy to remember, and I've already forgotten. I guess those little things aren't as important anymore, maybe because I'm not so desperate for validation of the relationship like I used to be.
For some reason, even though it's only been a month, I seem to keep bringing up the topic of marriage. I can't stop talking about it, but definitely not in a My Fair Brady sort of way. I'm not really a person who is anxious to get married. It's just not one of my goals, especially since I'm pretty sure I don't want to have children. So why do I keep bringing it up? The last guy I was with wouldn't even call me his girlfriend after over 2 years together, so maybe I'm just reveling in how weird it is to hear someone say he'd be willing to marry me. I just can't believe that someone would want to be with me forever, especially someone who broke my heart several times in the past. Every time I bring it up it's like I'm trying on a new outfit, seeing how it looks in the mirror. Does it look good on me? Am I suited for marriage? I'm like a junior high girl dressing in punk clothes, hoping that if I wear them long enough, eventually people won't accuse me of being a "poser."
Usually our conversations go something like this: "When I get married, I want it to be like blah blah blah," and CG replies, "Okay." And then sometimes I'll test him, asking him if I wanted to run to Vegas this weekend if he would. Or we pick a date (has to be May, because that's halfway to our birthdays in October). And then I backtrack and say, "But I'm never getting married!" And he just laughs at me, because he knows I'll change my mind eventually (which I probably will).
I know that I love him. I have loved him either consciously or subconsciously for a decade. But whether or not I'd be happy being married is debatable. I've never even lived with a guy because I love living alone so much. I'm not sure I'd be a good roomie, because sometimes I just need to get away from everyone. And would we get tired of each other, or take each other for granted? Would things get boring? Sometimes it's hard to be attracted to someone if you smell their morning breath every day. Would I get annoyed about stupid things like whose turn it is to take out the trash and forget why I'm so crazy about him? Forever is a freaking long time when we're not even 30. I was such a different person at 25 than I am now, so how can I be sure we'll be compatible when we're both graying and buying sports cars?
Yeah, you don't know the answers to any of those questions. That's why it's a risk--but one that totally can be worthwhile. I don't regret living with SCL one bit even though it didn't work out. I learned so much, and we had some great times together. In the end, the lessons and the memories are what I'll keep, and the other stuff will fade away.
ReplyDeleteI want to hear more about your story. Can you share? :-)
Thanks, that's good to know. I have been trying to look at the whole thing as another adventure. I had my single time, and figured out how to do that well and be happy on my own. Now my challenge is figuring out how to be in a healthy relationship and to be happy with someone long-term.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you mean by story? Do you mean the history of CG and me or something else? I'll share whatever you're interested in!