Saying goodbye

I had a bit of a meltdown last night.  Although there were real reasons, I admit it might have been my emo-PMS day.  I usually have one day a month where I am especially teary and then the rest of the month I'm totally fine.

Friday I spent the night at CG's for the first time.  It was a little difficult since I'm a light sleeper and don't sleep well in strange places, but it wasn't too terrible.  Then we spent the entire Saturday together going to a car show, eating Thai for dinner, grocery shopping, and hanging out at my apartment.  He left around 1am. 

Sunday I was supposed to have brunch and press pears for cider making with the knitters, then hopefully have a few hours to myself in the afternoon.  CG was going to come over around 6 or 7 to help me make lasagna.  Didn't happen.  Brunch turned into an all day affair and CG ended up picking me up at 6:30!  Part of the reason was because two of my friends were grieving and so I wanted to be there for them.  They are on a roller derby team, and about a month ago one of their teammates suffered a bad fall.  They found out last week that she isn't going to recover, and so they are planning on taking her off the ventilator tomorrow.  I don't personally know this girl, but two of my friends do and I am very sad for them.  I am trying to be as supportive as possible.

Even though it's not personal grief, Sunday was draining and exhausting.  Lasagna making lasted until around midnight, so I had almost no time to myself from Friday-Sunday.  I felt out of balance.  Before CG, my life was busy on the weeknights, but calmer on the weekends so I had a chance for my introverted side to recharge.  My ex-non-boyfriend was a bartender, so we rarely hung out on weekends.  But CG's schedule is very flexible, and so he's beginning to take over my weekends as well as some of my weeknights.

On top of everything, yesterday I talked to my therapist about my ex-non-bf, which stirred up some sadness.  It's hard to describe how I feel about him.  I am over him in my head, and logically I know that he's not the person I should be with.  He did not treat me well, and he frequently made me cry.  But I still can't help being sad over the way everything ended.  I'm heartbroken that I put so much effort into that relationship for so many years only to be rejected.  My hard work didn't pay off in this situation.  And of course I miss the fun times we had together.  Even though I don't want to be with him, I ache when I think about him.  And I want to call him sometimes, but I know it's a bad idea.  Maybe someday we can be friends, but not yet.

During my meltdown I was talking to CG online.  I told him I was upset.  And he said ok and then 5 minutes later he called me!  We rarely talk on the phone, but he thought it would be better to talk instead of type (plus he was driving).  Just him knowing what would make me feel better and doing it was so amazing.  Ex-non-bf would never have done that.  He would not have stayed with me until he knew I was ok.  And that's why I'm with CG now.  He doesn't make me cry.